This is my dad and I on his bike. My dad was my rock. Taken by cancer in 2009 but in my heart forever.
I came across an interesting conversation in a book I’m reading, “Matched” by Ally Condie.
“The words aren’t peaceful.”
“Then why do they make me feel calm?”
People have said that my musical taste doesn’t fit my demeanor. I am peaceful, I am somewhat stoic. And then I scream lyrics from rock songs at the top of my lungs, when I am alone in my car. I turn on my ipod and listen to the heavy guitar, the double-bass that’s like a heart attack building up.
The spirit of rock is not angry- its purpose is not to create hostility and violence. Instead, it feels informed and honest. It’s raw and passionate. That’s why I listen to rock, and that’s why I can fall asleep to Thrice or Rise Against. That’s why I love rock music the most.
I won’t be gone for a fun reason. I have a couple of papers that are all due tomorrow, plus a performance in a play tonight. I don’t have the time for Tumblr. *_* Even though this relieves my stress, it can be distracting. I’ll see you all in a few days!
My brain prodded me awake early this morning, and at first I couldn’t figure out why. I used to sleep in until maybe 10AM on Sundays. I just now realized that I was waking up for church, which is nice since I forgot to set my alarm clock. It’s also my older brother’s birthday today. He has always been my hero and my mentor.
After I get back from church, we’re going mini-golfing and later out for dinner. I won’t be on Tumblr much today, but I’ll see all you wonderful people tomorrow! Enjoy the rest of your weekend,
I realized some time in high school that I had to start challenging myself, or I would recede inward, a social recluse. I was more than shy, I was avoiding hanging out with friends. I loathed new classes when I didn’t know anyone in yet. Guys made me so nervous I’d turn red or avoid their eyes at all costs (ack, I still do this), and the volume of my voice when talking to someone will go down so much, they must wonder if I am speaking at all! I could never get the words out, while inside, I was screaming for release.
I didn’t want it to control me any longer. I am a passionate person, and must express myself. My own little prison of isolation was cozy but self-defeating.
I didn’t want it to keep me away from other people.
So I prayed on it a bit, and I bit my lip and forced myself into social situations. I would prep myself beforehand, by listening to my favorite music or writing a poem- something I could get lost in to forget my worries. Then no matter how much I would shake and stutter, I’d be trying.
I had forgotten how to interact with others. I still doubt myself sometimes, thinking, “Why did I say that? What is WRONG with me?”. But that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, you should never define yourself by your failures. And if you never give yourself the chance to fail, you can never learn. That’s a terrible loss.
The more positive social interactions I get, the more I looked forward to meeting new people. Still nervous, but better. Getting better by the day. I struggle with it, as my introversion feeds it. The introversion is wound into my being. I like quietly reading with cocoa and a warm blanket, alone. I like listening to music, alone, or sitting in the park, alone. That won’t change. I just need to be more functional, to not be afraid of speaking up.
This sort of thing doesn’t go away once you start trying. Some days I wonder if I’ve made progress at all! That’s part of healing though, right? I’ll keep fighting to find my way with other people, as long as time allows. For now, I’ve come across such patient people who are so good at dealing with me that I know I’m truly blessed.
Good luck to you in your personal battles, all of you reading this. Keep fighting.
Today’s sermon was about expectation versus reality. The reverend spoke about how Jesus’s disciples would think one way, and then Christ would tell them something totally new and different. He also talked about trusting in God, even if what we expect (when what we expect) will happen doesn’t come true. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you are on the wrong path if what you planned for doesn’t come to be- it could just be that there is a different plan laid out for you. You just have to keep trusting in God and stick to your values.
I meditated on this as he was speaking. When I was six years old up until age seventeen, I KNEW that I wanted to be a veterinarian when I grew up. I found myself completely lost once I came to the realization that I couldn’t stand the sight of blood.
What else could I do? I knew that I was meant for college. My thirst for knowledge was too great to think otherwise, but what else could I be, when my sure-fire plan proved impossible to carry out?
In my senior year of high school, I took one psychology course, and decided to major in Psychology. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with it, but I knew that I wanted to help people, in whatever I did. I almost switched to Social Work last semester, but I found that my heart wasn’t in it- too political. I’ll stick with Psychology, as it feels right. For now. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but when it comes, I’ll be as ready as I can be to greet it.